People say it all the time:
“You need to build your self-esteem.”
“You need to love yourself.”
Okay.
Wonderful.
How?
How do you build self-esteem when you don’t have any to begin with?
How do you love yourself when you don’t even like yourself?
I know something about that.
Because forty years ago, I didn’t have low self-esteem.
I had practically no self-esteem.
I didn’t love myself.
I hated myself.
And then one day, someone gave me an assignment that sounded absolutely ridiculous.
Go Look in the Mirror
At the time, I was attending twelve-step programs, and my sponsor gave me an exercise.
Every morning, I was to stand in front of the mirror.
I had to wrap my arms around myself.
Look directly into my own eyes.
And say:
“I love you, Ghislaine.”
Oh, boy.
You have no idea how ridiculous that felt.
Actually, perhaps some of you do.
I would stand there hugging myself, looking into the mirror, saying words I absolutely did not believe.
“I love you, Ghislaine.”
And inside my head:
This is ridiculous.
“I love you, Ghislaine.”
Why am I doing this?
“I love you, Ghislaine.”
This is so stupid.
😂
But I had been given an assignment.
So I did it.
And the next morning, I did it again.
And the morning after that.
And the morning after that.
Nothing Magical Happened
That’s important.
I didn’t do this for three mornings and suddenly discover the magnificent goddess within.
There were no angels.
No choir.
No beam of heavenly light shining through the bathroom window.
😂
It just felt silly.
But I kept doing it.
Day after day after day.
And gradually, something very small began to change.
It didn’t feel quite as ridiculous anymore.
Then, after more time, I noticed something else.
I thought:
Well… this is actually kind of nice.
Not love.
Not yet.
But there was a tiny inkling of something I hadn’t felt toward myself before.
Care.
I was beginning to care about myself.
And looking back, I realize something important:
Perhaps the exercise itself was already an act of self-care.
Every morning, I was showing up for myself.
Even when I didn’t believe the words.
Even when I thought the whole thing was ridiculous.
Even when I couldn’t yet feel love.
I was practicing the behavior of someone who cared.
And Then One Morning…
About six months after I started, I stood in front of that mirror as I had done hundreds of times before.
I wrapped my arms around myself.
I looked into my own eyes.
And I said:
“I love you, Ghislaine.”
Except this time…
I felt it.
I actually loved the woman looking back at me.
For the first time in my life, I felt genuine love for myself.
I hugged myself harder.
I squeezed.
And I stayed there for a while.
There we were.
Me and me.
😂
After months of saying words I didn’t believe, something inside me had finally caught up with what I had been practicing.
That morning didn’t magically give me perfect self-esteem.
There was still a great deal ahead of me.
But something had begun.
Maybe You Don’t Have to Start With Love
This is what I wish we told people more often.
We say:
Love yourself.
But for someone who deeply dislikes or even hates themselves, that can feel impossible.
Maybe love is too far away right now.
That’s okay.
Could you begin with care?
Could you treat yourself as though perhaps—just perhaps—you might be someone worth caring for?
Could you look at yourself instead of looking away?
Could you speak one kind sentence to yourself?
Could you keep one small promise you make to yourself?
Could you give yourself rest when you’re exhausted?
Could you stop calling yourself names you would never call someone you love?
Could you stand in front of a mirror, wrap your arms around yourself, look into your own eyes and say:
“I love you.”
Even if another voice immediately says:
Oh, please. You don’t believe that.
Fine.
Let that voice talk.
And do the exercise anyway.
Self-Esteem Is Something We Practice
I used to think self-esteem was something people either had or didn’t have.
Some lucky people had somehow received it.
I hadn’t.
But over the years, I learned something different.
Self-esteem can be built.
And sometimes we begin building it before we can feel it.
We practice treating ourselves with respect.
We practice keeping our word to ourselves.
We practice speaking kindly to ourselves.
We practice boundaries.
We practice saying yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no.
We practice forgiving ourselves when we make mistakes.
We practice choosing ourselves.
And gradually, those little actions begin sending a different message inward:
Maybe I matter.
That’s a very different message from:
I love myself completely.
But if you’re starting from self-hatred, Maybe I matter is enormous.
Start Where You Are
If you already love yourself, wonderful.
Keep nurturing that relationship.
But if you don’t…
Please don’t make your inability to love yourself another reason to criticize yourself.
Start where you are.
Maybe today you cannot say:
“I love myself.”
Could you say:
“I’m willing to learn how.”
Maybe you can’t even say that yet.
Could you simply stand in front of the mirror tomorrow morning and look into your own eyes?
Then perhaps wrap your arms around yourself.
And maybe, eventually, try the words.
They may feel ridiculous.
Mine certainly did.
Keep practicing—not because I can promise you exactly what will happen, but because sometimes our actions can begin teaching our hearts something our minds don’t yet believe.
Forty years ago, I stood in front of a mirror and said three words that felt completely untrue.
Six months later, I said those same three words…
And discovered they weren’t untrue anymore.
That was only the beginning.
But what a beautiful beginning it was.
Sometimes the first step toward loving yourself is simply caring enough to show up for yourself again tomorrow. ❤️